P.S. I Hate You

Do you ever feel like creating and destroying something all in the same moment? I do. Have you ever blacked out when the feeling to destroy something overtook your entire being to the point you can't remember what you've done? I have. Are you afraid of these emotions? I am.

I'm afraid it means the anger that lives inside my parents also lives inside of me. I'm afraid that whatever went wrong with them has the ability to do so with me. People tell me that I wouldn't hurt a fly. For them, it's almost laughable to even consider the possibility. I wonder how they would feel if they could really see what went on inside my head. If they could only hear my thoughts, or feel the sudden hatred. I wonder if they would laugh then.

It's as if there's a well of emotion buried deep within me, just waiting to be set free. When it does, it has the power to completely take over. I broke a door out of anger once, but I don't remember doing it. Afterwards, Renee found me several streets over in our neighborhood, but I don't recall ever leaving the house. Is this the type of emotion that sent my parents spiraling out of control?

Renee often reminds me how easily I become upset over small things. She has told me that I hold grudges against people who have done nothing wrong. In my eyes it is perfectly acceptable to dislike certain people. I suppose I am a little passionate in my dislike, but I never viewed it as anger. Does this mean that I have anger issues to work through? Obviously I do.

I don't know that I'm ready for an "anger management" type of setting, and I don't want to go back to therapy. I want to do this for my marriage, but I'm not ready to talk about my past on that type of level. I feel that I would only slide back down into a well of depression. I've climbed out of that hole once. I'm not sure if I could do it again. It's hard to tell yourself that your going to poke a sleeping dragon for no reason other than to confront it. I just want to let it sleep.