Haunted

So it's 2011. A new year, a new start- a fresh take on life. For some, this is a time to review what went wrong or right during 2010. In the end, we smile on the good and use the bad to fuel our goals for 2011. For me, the closing of 2010 marks a one year anniversary since my depression. Much like someone who has overcome an addiction, I count the days that I have been "sober", always aware that if not careful I could fall off the wagon.

People become depressed for many reasons. For me, it was a culmination of everything that had happened during my 25 years. Everything that I had locked up inside of me was suddenly gushing out like water out of a broken dam. Emotions that I wasn't allowed to feel, tossed to the side and buried with memories that others wished for me to forget- all resurfacing at any hour of the day or night. I fought back, but it won. It overtook me, and I gave up. During my childhood I was somebody's puppet, their pawn that they used to create their own reality. Even worse, I bought into all of it. I was only a child, what else was I supposed to do? When you are a child you believe what you are told and you cannot see things for what they truly are. You see with your ears and not your eyes. Then one day, when childhood melts into adulthood, something inside you snaps and you can see everything.

That's what happened to me in 2009. I found myself afraid to so much as walk outside, much less face co-workers and friends. Sleep became my enemy as dreams turned into frozen memories, replaying over and over like a broken record until I could sleep no more. I was failing at work, I was failing at my marriage, therapy did not help- nothing could. I remember several moments when my thoughts turned to ending my life. Several moments when I was so numb that I began to plan what it would take for me to carry out such a thing.

As I sit here writing this, I look back over the last 12 months and I see how far I have come. So what changed between now and back then? To say I found God would be a misstatement. I really think He found me. Don't get me wrong, I do not walk around on some high holy cloud now. I do not leave tracts in bathroom stalls and I certainly do not scream bible verses on the courthouse steps at the people passing by. While those that do may have good intentions I do not think they live in the real world. At my lowest point I begged Him to help me turn things around. Since that moment it has been a slow climb out of a very deep ditch. It has for the most part felt anything but miraculous. I have had setbacks and I have certainly not handled everything the way that I should have. But things have turned around, to no credit of my own. I can honestly say that I am lucky and grateful for the life that I have now. It is far from perfect but it is one worth living.